I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
