im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
