i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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