Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
