New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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