It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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