you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
