just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
