I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
