Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
