I cannot find my penis.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
