he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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