Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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