Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
