bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
