So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
