Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
