you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
