textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
