my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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