Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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