i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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