Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
