he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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