okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
