im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
