I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
