Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
