it's too hot outside to masturbate.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
