Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
