Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
