i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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