So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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