Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
