Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
