That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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