I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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