i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
