So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
