tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
