You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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