I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
