so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
