Don't make out with my wife yet
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
