yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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