I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The Olympian is in my bed
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
