Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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