What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
