Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize