got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
