You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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