Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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