if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize