I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
