I CAN MOONWALK!
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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