My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
