it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i think im in europe. pls send help
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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